More Jelly Beans, Please

In fourteen days I’ll be having my spinal fusion surgery. I can’t express the catastrophic thoughts I’ve been having about the surgery, because they’re so daunting and unpredictable. Living with non-stop pain in my neck, shoulder, arm has made me cranky and the tug of depression is pulling harder as each day goes by. Yesterday the pain started to creep upwards towards my right ear, and I feel a headache coming on at this very moment. Painkillers are as effective as jelly beans at this point, maybe if I take some more I’ll find a speck of relief.

Last night I slept for 90 minutes total – not good for my depression, anxiety, mood, stamina, concentration or hot flashes. I find comfort in snuggling with Anya – her velvety chocolate fur against my face does wonders for my psyche. I expect to crash later today. Like a car without enough gas to reach the corner, I’m running on fumes. It’s just a matter of time before I conk out. Whatever charm I have will no doubt be gone after lunch.

My fingertips are starting to tingle – I think I’m done writing for the day, except for Scrabble. Today I’m playing to win.